Back when academia was the chief target of the more caustic aspects of my nature, I caught some flak for it from fellow bloggers. There’s a difference between disagreement and flak. The difference is that disagreement allows me on the playing field, so to speak. Flak questions my right to weigh in at all, my stature to judge, the terms in which I frame the discussion.
And I hate it. Flak jumps onto my forebrain like a tick on a dog, sucks blood and doesn’t let go. I feel like crap for weeks, no matter what else is going on, or how ludicrous the flak. Yes, I am a wuss, that’s quite right.
Last week I was catching flak from two directions. One, over conference finance: “shut up and go away, you whiny bitch, the system works fine if you play it right and you can’t change it anyway.” Yeah, okay, whatever. I’ll bide my time on that one. I think things are going to change with or without me; I had meditated explaining just why I think that, as it pulls together a number of recent CavLec threads including Five Weeks, but hell, no percentage in it, really. This is me shutting up and going away.
Two, the eminently predictable: over what men can do to improve the social experience of the Internet for women. That flak was private, and no points at all for guessing the allegiance of the flak-thrower. If you know my history, it’s that obvious.
The substance of the flak was that “geekland” was a stereotype and a slam, and I didn’t have any right to do that if I was asking for women not to be stereotyped and slammed. I’ve heard this one before. It’s still playing tick on my forebrain; I got a ton of linklove for that post from all over the place (including places I’d never heard of and that had never heard of me), and still that one criticism feels fifty times more salient. I don’t buy it, but I don’t know yet why I don’t, so… there that is.
Sometimes I think that if I could just adjust my personal salience meter, the world would feel like a much friendlier place. Haven’t managed it yet, and may never, so my apologies to you all for the wallowing in self-pity.
Which is over now, because the other thing that happened was an outpouring of grace and kindness from various corners of the web. I didn’t ask for it, having largely kept my self-pity to myself until now, but oh, it was welcome and well-timed, and I appreciate it more than I can say.
An email I read this morning sealed the deal, and I’ve asked permission to reproduce part of it here, but haven’t heard back yet, so you’ll just have to wait. Trust me, though, this one’s worth waiting for.
Thank you. I am grateful, very much so, for the friendship and respect I have found here.
