I don’t know the exact date and have no way to find out, but it must have been just about ten years ago that I called in to the university’s recordkeeping system from the TA office and pushed phone buttons until I had withdrawn from all my classes. I hung up the phone blinking back tears and swallowing against a lump in my throat. Feeling hollowed-out, I went back to my desk to do some grading—one can abandon one’s classwork; one cannot abandon one’s students—before I went home.
I can’t bring to mind exactly how I felt then, only what I did. The hot, angry despair I felt after imploding on the medieval-lit section of my master’s exams I remember very well indeed, but not what I felt at throwing in the towel finally. I was a walking zombie by then anyway. Couldn’t read. Couldn’t think. Couldn’t be anything except a fragile and beleaguered skin-shell around an inchoate sea of dread and bewilderment.
Could still teach, I grant myself that. I’m not a great teacher (I’ve known some; I don’t rate), but it takes a lot to push me so low I’m not at least competent. I haven’t found what can do that yet, in fact. Blowing up my life didn’t.
In hindsight, what amazes me is how quickly I put my life back together. A scant year after I made that phone call, I was a happy, reasonably skilled conversion peasant getting ready to go to my first big conference (at which I first heard Allen Renear speak, and isn’t it funny how life works?). Just a year. And yes, there’s a whacking lot of serendipity to acknowledge there, but still—one year. One scant year. It didn’t feel quick at the time, but by any objective measure, it was.
I’ve built two-and-a-bit professional identities since then: ebook content-standards maven, repository rat, and a little bit of moonlighting in library usability and design. Eh, and maybe another bit as a typesetter; I was just barely a journeyman at best, but there are a couple-three books still out there that I did. I seem to be nudging toward yet another professional identity as library educator.
Now, a professional identity is more than a job. I’ve had… well, if you count the temping stint and the part-time quasi-practicum… eight jobs in the last ten years, two of those little more than moonlights. (Whew. That number surprises me as much as it does you.) Plus two freelance gigs. I don’t consider anything a professional identity unless it’s eating my brain to the point that I blog about more than day-to-day minutiae. I blogged about ebooks, way back when. I blog about repositories constantly. When I’m irked, I blog about design. There’s also an element of external recognition involved, to be sure; I’ve never been the biggest fish in any of my ponds, but I’ve been noticed in all of them.
I’m working on getting the grad-school burnout story back up on Yarinareth proper. (Me? Lazy about bringing back my personal website? Imagine.) It’s desperately callow writing, I admit, but there’s a lot of truth in it still… and judging from my email, a lot of people who still need to read it, or feel that they’ve gained from reading it. I don’t consider “ex-wannabe-academic” a professional or even personal identity, but it, too, is something I’m known for.
It’s a propitious time to remember all that. I’m facing into a lot of fierce professional headwinds just at present, and the frustration and bewilderment have been overwhelming at times. What I know of myself, though, says that I’ll get myself back in gear, and that probably sooner than I imagine. Maybe a new professional identity will come of it, maybe not; but I’ll get by either way.
That’s not a bad thing to know.